What makes happy-ness

I wonder if I will ever find it.

At this rate I do not think I even deserve to be happy.

I have so much to say, but I don't know who is reading, so I don't dare say what I want. I don't have anyone to say what I want to.

I am going to explode, and when I do, watch out world!

death with dignaty

I want to die.

There I said it. I will say it again.

I WANT TO DIE!

There is no quality to my life. Yes I do have depression, it is a part of my bipolar, but I don't see myself as depressed. I am dying anyways, why not speed it up by a few years. On a scale of 1-10 how is my pain, oh its a 8/9 on a good day, why might you ask? I so far have two autoimmune issues, and a whole bunch of side effect issues, then there is the mental stuff, I not only want to die, I deserve to die. Why? I am costing the tax payers money. Because of me one less person will miss out on some federal or state benefit. Because of me I added to the population problem. Because of me, I ruined my future ex-husbands life (future because we cant afford to divorce currently). He was headed places, then he met me, we got married, had two kids, and because of me he does not have his dream job.

blinding pain is currently shooting from what little part of my feet I can feel to the ends of my hair. Yes my hair has feelings, so please don't go hurting them. (my attempt at humor.)

4 cats, 3 dogs and a guinea pig.

No I don't live in a barn, but it is my fault they are in the house.

I want a fast, painless, and free death. Im just sorry I wont see my kids grow up. I don't think I want them to see me get much worse. My currently 6 year old ASD daughter plays doctor, helps me with my injections, counts my meds for me, gets me water because I cant walk to the kitchen without screaming. So on and so forth. And in my eyes, this makes me a bad parent. Because I should be the one helping her be a kids, not my kids becoming an adult before her 10th birthday.  I don't want my almost 5 year old son to remember me always laying in bed with a pillow over my head because every little noise feel like I am living with a hear of elephants. Don't get me started with the "friend" issue. I was told the other day "Wow when did it get so bad" I looked this person in the eyes and said "It is always this bad, I just learned how to hide it from everyone" I have not heard from this person since. There is so much I want to say, but I know a few people who might read this and it would hurt them if I told the Gods Honest Truth. and because we live in the poor me mentality, I don't dare. Even as I am writing this I know I will loose the few "friends" for the little bit I have put on here. Wish I could take a deep breath to refill the smoke to blow up their butts.

Sometimes all I wish for is the next chapter, not in life, but in death, Im a 35 year old, in the body of an 80 year old, that wakes up every morning praying it will be a good day to die.

Promises,,,,

So, you say promises are meant to be broken.

How do you think some one cheated on, lied to and hurt would take this?

Very much to heart.

I am trying my damn-dest to trust you, to listen to you, to let you guide me,

then you said:

"Promises are meant to be broken."

I have done what you asked,

I did not know then that it meant not talking to me.

I know you are busy,

you have a life

and only think of me 

when it suits you.

Talking of things to happen in the future,

words spoken, only for me,

or are they truth.

Questions arise every moment you disappear.

But I know that is who you are, 

you have to run,

while I am stuck here, in place.

I kept up my part of the deal, 

I am not holding you to yours,

because,

Promises are meant to be broken.

might join Mr. P

I HAVE THE ALMIGHT kRABBY pATTIE.... NOW TO FIND OUT THE recipie.... (sorry have not slept yet, and a little loopy) Have a picture! 

no money more problems....

need a way to bring in some me money that wont cost me money to start up.... not much, I really want to buy a new camera so I can get back to doing what I love (and was making some decent pocket money, I shot for donations, made some nice money that way, got to work my own hours etc.)... I will not do Avon or Mary Kay know too many people who do and still are not making any real money from it *sigh* been up all night trying to find ways to make that 500 bucks for the new Nikon I saw... but first need to pay off some debts, and I want to move next summer... plus a few other things... just ready for a turn around... tired....

see I told you

gaps... big fat time wasting gaps.... this time it has been depression due to money issues... not that we don't have money (we don't) but bills are getting paid, nothing is being shut off (well Kev's DL is suspended 3x right now due to not being able to pay off tickets, accident etc, and he does not drive anyways, just wants to have it gone....another story) so I went hunting in the house of Mess, and found GASP another Sims3 Disk ! (go me!) so for the last how ever many days it has been I have raised three gens of witch/fae sims (yup I has supernatural too) and keep searching for more disks, cause now my family is eternal unless I kill them off (with one person I did... he was annoying me) when we were forced to move I think I lost around 5 of the disks I had, (around 100 bucks worth of games) and now I want to play again I cant find the ones I had... *sad face* and since there will be no shopping for yet another two weeks (school supplies included, at least we have one more check before that time of year), I must play sims until I bore of it and have to live life again. Kids did not go on their trip, canceled due to Evi's upcoming art show, sorry Rex, maybe this means mom and dad can take you to see the ocean for the first time now.... kids just set off the dogs, lil yappers I tell ya! tired... not really sleeping.... waiting for the call I can knock kids out and not have to drive 15 miles to go get kev from work... ok bye for now... but not for long... and just because, here is a pic of me from my week 2 photo project.... I know I am a good diabetic with my fully leaded Dr P.!

Happy?

Happy, I was happy once.... once I believe it was after the first divorce, and before the kids.... but only once. wish I could find my happy place again, and never leave.