At this rate I do not think I even deserve to be happy.
I have so much to say, but I don't know who is reading, so I don't dare say what I want. I don't have anyone to say what I want to.
I am going to explode, and when I do, watch out world!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
What makes happy-ness
I wonder if I will ever find it.
At this rate I do not think I even deserve to be happy.
I have so much to say, but I don't know who is reading, so I don't dare say what I want. I don't have anyone to say what I want to.
I am going to explode, and when I do, watch out world!
At this rate I do not think I even deserve to be happy.
I have so much to say, but I don't know who is reading, so I don't dare say what I want. I don't have anyone to say what I want to.
I am going to explode, and when I do, watch out world!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
death with dignaty
I want to die.
There I said it. I will say it again.
I WANT TO DIE!
There is no quality to my life. Yes I do have depression, it is a part of my bipolar, but I don't see myself as depressed. I am dying anyways, why not speed it up by a few years. On a scale of 1-10 how is my pain, oh its a 8/9 on a good day, why might you ask? I so far have two autoimmune issues, and a whole bunch of side effect issues, then there is the mental stuff, I not only want to die, I deserve to die. Why? I am costing the tax payers money. Because of me one less person will miss out on some federal or state benefit. Because of me I added to the population problem. Because of me, I ruined my future ex-husbands life (future because we cant afford to divorce currently). He was headed places, then he met me, we got married, had two kids, and because of me he does not have his dream job.
blinding pain is currently shooting from what little part of my feet I can feel to the ends of my hair. Yes my hair has feelings, so please don't go hurting them. (my attempt at humor.)
4 cats, 3 dogs and a guinea pig.
No I don't live in a barn, but it is my fault they are in the house.
I want a fast, painless, and free death. Im just sorry I wont see my kids grow up. I don't think I want them to see me get much worse. My currently 6 year old ASD daughter plays doctor, helps me with my injections, counts my meds for me, gets me water because I cant walk to the kitchen without screaming. So on and so forth. And in my eyes, this makes me a bad parent. Because I should be the one helping her be a kids, not my kids becoming an adult before her 10th birthday. I don't want my almost 5 year old son to remember me always laying in bed with a pillow over my head because every little noise feel like I am living with a hear of elephants. Don't get me started with the "friend" issue. I was told the other day "Wow when did it get so bad" I looked this person in the eyes and said "It is always this bad, I just learned how to hide it from everyone" I have not heard from this person since. There is so much I want to say, but I know a few people who might read this and it would hurt them if I told the Gods Honest Truth. and because we live in the poor me mentality, I don't dare. Even as I am writing this I know I will loose the few "friends" for the little bit I have put on here. Wish I could take a deep breath to refill the smoke to blow up their butts.
Sometimes all I wish for is the next chapter, not in life, but in death, Im a 35 year old, in the body of an 80 year old, that wakes up every morning praying it will be a good day to die.
There I said it. I will say it again.
I WANT TO DIE!
There is no quality to my life. Yes I do have depression, it is a part of my bipolar, but I don't see myself as depressed. I am dying anyways, why not speed it up by a few years. On a scale of 1-10 how is my pain, oh its a 8/9 on a good day, why might you ask? I so far have two autoimmune issues, and a whole bunch of side effect issues, then there is the mental stuff, I not only want to die, I deserve to die. Why? I am costing the tax payers money. Because of me one less person will miss out on some federal or state benefit. Because of me I added to the population problem. Because of me, I ruined my future ex-husbands life (future because we cant afford to divorce currently). He was headed places, then he met me, we got married, had two kids, and because of me he does not have his dream job.
blinding pain is currently shooting from what little part of my feet I can feel to the ends of my hair. Yes my hair has feelings, so please don't go hurting them. (my attempt at humor.)
4 cats, 3 dogs and a guinea pig.
No I don't live in a barn, but it is my fault they are in the house.
I want a fast, painless, and free death. Im just sorry I wont see my kids grow up. I don't think I want them to see me get much worse. My currently 6 year old ASD daughter plays doctor, helps me with my injections, counts my meds for me, gets me water because I cant walk to the kitchen without screaming. So on and so forth. And in my eyes, this makes me a bad parent. Because I should be the one helping her be a kids, not my kids becoming an adult before her 10th birthday. I don't want my almost 5 year old son to remember me always laying in bed with a pillow over my head because every little noise feel like I am living with a hear of elephants. Don't get me started with the "friend" issue. I was told the other day "Wow when did it get so bad" I looked this person in the eyes and said "It is always this bad, I just learned how to hide it from everyone" I have not heard from this person since. There is so much I want to say, but I know a few people who might read this and it would hurt them if I told the Gods Honest Truth. and because we live in the poor me mentality, I don't dare. Even as I am writing this I know I will loose the few "friends" for the little bit I have put on here. Wish I could take a deep breath to refill the smoke to blow up their butts.
Sometimes all I wish for is the next chapter, not in life, but in death, Im a 35 year old, in the body of an 80 year old, that wakes up every morning praying it will be a good day to die.
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