There I said it. I will say it again.
I WANT TO DIE!
There is no quality to my life. Yes I do have depression, it is a part of my bipolar, but I don't see myself as depressed. I am dying anyways, why not speed it up by a few years. On a scale of 1-10 how is my pain, oh its a 8/9 on a good day, why might you ask? I so far have two autoimmune issues, and a whole bunch of side effect issues, then there is the mental stuff, I not only want to die, I deserve to die. Why? I am costing the tax payers money. Because of me one less person will miss out on some federal or state benefit. Because of me I added to the population problem. Because of me, I ruined my future ex-husbands life (future because we cant afford to divorce currently). He was headed places, then he met me, we got married, had two kids, and because of me he does not have his dream job.
blinding pain is currently shooting from what little part of my feet I can feel to the ends of my hair. Yes my hair has feelings, so please don't go hurting them. (my attempt at humor.)
4 cats, 3 dogs and a guinea pig.
No I don't live in a barn, but it is my fault they are in the house.
I want a fast, painless, and free death. Im just sorry I wont see my kids grow up. I don't think I want them to see me get much worse. My currently 6 year old ASD daughter plays doctor, helps me with my injections, counts my meds for me, gets me water because I cant walk to the kitchen without screaming. So on and so forth. And in my eyes, this makes me a bad parent. Because I should be the one helping her be a kids, not my kids becoming an adult before her 10th birthday. I don't want my almost 5 year old son to remember me always laying in bed with a pillow over my head because every little noise feel like I am living with a hear of elephants. Don't get me started with the "friend" issue. I was told the other day "Wow when did it get so bad" I looked this person in the eyes and said "It is always this bad, I just learned how to hide it from everyone" I have not heard from this person since. There is so much I want to say, but I know a few people who might read this and it would hurt them if I told the Gods Honest Truth. and because we live in the poor me mentality, I don't dare. Even as I am writing this I know I will loose the few "friends" for the little bit I have put on here. Wish I could take a deep breath to refill the smoke to blow up their butts.
Sometimes all I wish for is the next chapter, not in life, but in death, Im a 35 year old, in the body of an 80 year old, that wakes up every morning praying it will be a good day to die.
By allowing Evi and Rex the oppertunity to help you on your worse days, you're actually giving them a lesson not many children have the chance to learn - compassion. I see it in Evi, how genuinely she wants to help make you better. This isn't you being a bad parent. That requires intent - you choosing to rely on them. Illness is not a choice, and as such is not a valid measure of character (aside from the measure of personal strength one builds from surviving against the odds).
ReplyDeleteI won't say "Don't die". I won't give the hallmark responses. There isn't a get well card to cover the pain you've been through. I can understand why you feel the way you do, regardless of how I feel about you dying.
Nobody said you ruined my life... nobody that counts, anyways. Were it not for you, I'd probably never have lived through college. I'm the reason I lost my dream job - but I've come to understand that even tasting it was a blessing to be thankful for (how many people can say they've found it ni the first place?).
As much as we fight, and as distant as we may grow, remember that you're stuck with me. I couldn't leave if I wanted to - and if I could, where would I go? I may not always be the perfect shoulder to lean on, but I'll be here nonetheless.