so here it goes...

I am tired of not being able to speak my mind, I cant hold back anymore, I cant hold it in.... I am starting to hate my life.... my body has failed me, my marriage is a sham, my kids are out of control and the majority of my non-household blood family hates me. But here I am. I have many labels, my husband (for a better term, I consider him more of a companion/helper then a husband, but that is a long and another story) now has a few nonwork related labels, my daughter has a big label, that when you first meet her you question if it is real, then like her teachers you realize, OMWow  she really is ABCD, and then there is my son, my sweet, little (I mean little he is 4 trapped in a two year olds body) man. I love his snuggles and good morning mom kisses, his hugs, helping me on the days I cant get my shoes on, trying to lift me off my bed/couch on days my legs have gone numb and don't want to work, and when he uses "Mount Mommy" as a race track for his many many hot wheel type cars. then there are the non humans, Don Juan the Poof Pom, Chaquita the Chiwahwah tittie dragger, their son, Quiote "Teytey or Tater" "Bubba" deBlack fat old fluff ball (real name Vinchinzo, he sometimes chooses to accept it, sometimes)(the offspring of my most beloved cat Lilly, RIP) his sister Memnoch (yes named after Ann Rice's book, she fits the title character to a T, PennyWise, or Penpen the fluffy calico we got for our son because he wanted something for his own (she was a rescue, the family that had her mom, killed her brother by "accentdently" putting him through the dishwasher, then moved out and left her alone in the house) , and my girl Tatianna, or Bit, Kevin picked her out of a box in front of walmart, not even a month old, she was so little, then the newest member of our zoo, Harry "Once Zeus" Hudini. the sugar glider, he may not be pretty, he may not be the sweetest thing in the world (he is vocal and bitches A LOT) but he knows who he belongs to and makes sure no one else touches him with out mom holding his tail...LOL I am already worn out for the day, and it is only just noon, been up for almost five days, I am irritated, MUST get house clean, it is getting so you cant walk from one end to the other with out breaking something. dishwasher (the one we plug in to the wall socket/sink has sprung a leak, another reason to get the house clean, landlord need to get it fixed) is hard at work making money so we can once again try to get out of debt, seems just as we get paid off, something comes up and BAM right where we started.... so instead of putting things in there place, I am packing the house, we rent, we may have to move, and like the last move, I don't want to be un prepaird so if it something we want to keep it is going in a box, if not it is going.... but where is my energy, where is my ummppffffhhhhh oh yeah, my body stole it. My biggest issue "label" is I suffer from Lupus, it is killing me, slowly and painfully. My nonhousehold blood family has seen signs of it, even tried explaining it a few times, but things like that are not spoken of, I am just a person whom cant take care of my self or the kids because I would rather lay around and sleep then do anything to better myself. To the point the government agreed with me and put me on permanent disability. I know that is not saying much, you can get it for being too fat, but that kind of disability you have to have yearly checks to see if you still qualify. (I am fat too, but have been working very hard on it, saw the number 199 for the first time since high school yesterday!) a lot of why I am writing this is to get things off my chest, another is to let people out there who think they are alone they are not, another is maybe one day if I don't make it my kids will have something in my words about my life, the good and the bad, and another is if you are one of the many family I have (blood and not, household and not) you know how I feel and where I am coming from. I may write many times a day, I may not write for months, I may just post a bunch of random pictures, or something I find funny and don't want to forget (what is 40 + 1 = Melody in a few months (one of my besties/non-blood sisters) ) I hope I don't bore you, If you made it this far congrats. I need encouragement today, the last two days have been not so good (health wise, mentally, emotionally) there have been highs (my 5 year old autistic daughter took two 1st place ribbons, 2 2nd place ribbons and an honorable ribbon in the county fair! she is an artist like her mom, Poppie (my dad), and granny (her great) and GGgrandma (My great) before her) my "hubs" reached out and put his arm around me even though I was having a high pain day and felt like crawling out of my skin (a thing that is hard for him, he is a touchy feely person, it hurts me to be touched) but now, when I should be sitting on the floor, clearing a path so things go where they need to be, I am back on the couch bed (I cant sleep on a real bed, too flat, too painful on my joints) three heating pads on the pressure points/joints that are flaired up, two fans, one on each side of me to keep me from over heating (heat makes me sick too, but cold makes me swell and freezes my joints) listening to yet another fight in the kids' room because Evi wants a tea party and Rex wants to run his cars on the floor, through her party... ok time for me to put an end to this one, the way I am, I will be back....LOL